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My excessive energy, extreme narcissism, and intense love of neon-colored spandex is both managed and fueled by my addiction to fitness. I push myself to extremes and I push other people's buttons. Obviously I needed my own blog.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Weight Loss Wednesday 2.15.17

I'm struggling with knowing that I need to eat more so that I maintain and ideally build muscle, and feeling disappointed with how I look. The scale has been all over the place lately (146 lbs today) and I feel fluffy. I looked back over my food logs and noticed that I'm not eating as much fiber as I was when I felt and looked leaner. This is why it's a good idea to record what you eat - you can refer back and identify trends or changes in behavior.

I like to bulk prepare sweet potatoes and Brussels sprouts. I chop 3 large sweet potatoes into cubes, spread them on a baking sheet, spritz them with Pam, and then season them with salt, pepper, and Flavor God garlic seasoning. They go great with eggs in the morning or any protein you might choose for lunch or dinner. I halve a bunch of Brussels sprouts, add some diced garlic, and bake them on a baking sheet. I like a little char on my sprouts. If I'm being really decadent, I'll add chopped bacon on top.

I'm going to admit that I was really disappointed when I learned that I had lost lean muscle during my last body fat test. I thought I was getting a lot stronger and I believed I must have put some muscle back on and it just feels really crappy to know that I didn't. Am I not getting stronger? Am I just chasing numbers I used to have or would have been able to hit if I hadn't started to screw up my back? Did I fuck myself up in the head again by trying to follow someone else's diet and will I always struggle between not eating and binging?

So here are this week's photos.





Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Twenty-Four Hours in Tennessee

I had to drive to Tennessee on Sunday evening for a meeting yesterday. I left at 5:30 PM Eastern and arrived at 9 PM Central. I then left the following day at 4:30 PM Central and arrived at 10 PM Eastern. That means I drove on I-24 in the pitch black dark both nights. It was terrifying. My hands were shaking, my stomach was in my throat, and I was close to tears.

But the trip wasn't an entire bust. I got to see my Volunteer Tennessee and fellow program manager friends. I listened to Barbell Shrugged. I went to an all you can eat Chinese buffet and ate as much as I could. I enjoyed some scattered, covered, and chunked hash browns at Waffle House. And I kicked ass during my drop in at CrossFit Cool Springs.


First off, I'm a big fan of their logo. I am an even bigger fan of all the people I met. Everyone made me feel very welcomed and included. And I accidentally left my old temporary paper license on the ground (I guess it had been living in my gym bag all these months?), and Coach James sent me a text message to let me know within minutes of me leaving.

We had two metcons, and I was pretty decent at both. 

Metcon 1
13 minute clock
800 m run
75 wallballs (kill me)
AMRAP squat cleans (95/65) for the remaining time

I got 35 and those squat cleans hurt after all of those wallballs.

Metcon 2
200 doubleunders
30 KBS
100 doubleunders
30 KBS
50 doubleunders

I finished in 6:33 and felt like a rockstar.

This was plate 1 of 3 at China Buffet in Kimball, TN. It's exit 152B off of I-24. I had just listened to Obese to Beast aka John David Glaude on Barbell Shrugged for the past hour and he talked about his inspiring journey from 360 lbs of fat kid to CrossFitter and physique competitor. He briefly mentioned Panda Express at the beginning of the interview and obviously Chinese food was my primary takeaway.


I saw this Instagram post on Sunday afternoon so I obviously reposted it and then had Waffle House on my mind. But for real, I love Waffle House. One of my favorite things about living in the South.


There's a Waffle House at practically every highway exit but I chose to dine at the lovely establishment in Cartersville. The fine folks were so nice to me. It was clear that I was exhausted, cranky, and starving. I left full, mildly less bitchy, and thankful for my to-go Diet Coke.


And this is me when I arrived home. It was too late to pick up my dogs, the guy I have been seeing had agreed to substitute teach the next morning (?!) and so he was already asleep, and it was just me at home terrified of home invaders. I'm definitely staying an extra night the next time I have a 3 hour meeting.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Dekalb Farmers Market

Clint E. left a Yelp review for the Dekalb Farmers Market warning visitors to take a Xanax before they came inside. I thought he was kidding, but upon entering the place for the first time, I immediately wish that I had taken something. It's not like there's not enough Xanax lying around my place.


Clint E. was also right when he said the anxiety-fueled nightmare that is the Dekalb Farmers Market is definitely worth every stressful minute.

That guy that I've been seeing and I have started a new tradition where he calls to wake me up at whatever ungodly hour he arrives in Atlanta, we then enjoy delicious breakfast burritos at Gato, and then we go to the Dekalb Farmers Market. I know we haven't been seeing each other for very long, but I'm pretty sure that surviving a crowded market filled with 19 different kinds of radishes and some potentially illegal seafood items together without screaming or threatening one another with bodily harm is a good indication that we might actually get along. I always ask if anyone in Atlanta works and then I remember that he and I manage to go there at 11 AM on a Friday but his work schedule is weird and mine is flexible. I always drive because 1. my car has a roof and doors, and 2. I am somehow the better driver. (This is very concerning.)

Meal prep feels fantastic when you can buy a bajillion items of fresh produce and the only decent looking scallops I've seen in Atlanta for under $50. I managed to spend $80 the other day only because I bought enough fruit to make fruit salad for 20 people. It was for a picnic in the park because it's been 72 degrees in Atlanta for about a week.

I've been there thrice so I'm no expert, but this is what I've learned:

  1. Get a cart in the parking lot.
  2. Don't go hungry.
  3. Agree upon a pre-decided meeting spot for when one of you gets lost.
  4. Devise a strategy to make it to every aisle while one person mans the buggy.
  5. Make sure there's cash on your debit card because they don't accept credit cards.
  6. Don't expect the cashiers or the other patrons to find your witty banter amusing. Apparently asking who someone is and why his items are in your cart is not as funny to others.
  7. Photography is prohibited.


Literally moments later, I was being chased down by an employee and told I had to put away my phone.

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Weight Loss Wednesday 2.7.17

I weighed 140.4 lbs on Sunday morning and 147.2 lbs on Monday morning. That, folks, is how you do Super Bowl eating. Special shout-out to Mary, my other mama, who made the best chocolate chip cookies I have ever eaten... and I ate like 50 of them. Notable mentions go to the red velvet cupcakes, the pigs in a blanket that I dipped in guacamole, Melissa's mac and cheese, and the hot dog bar at Melrose and McQueen. Who would have thought to put fried chicken skins on a hot dog? A fucking genius, that's who.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Anxiety and Depression


I've seen these meme posted on the interwebs quite a bit. Honestly, I wish I could eat when I'm anxious. Sometimes when I feel like I'm having a panic attack, I realize that I haven't eat in hours or since yesterday, and I'll force myself to choke down whatever I've prepped for lunch, and my brain is suddenly a lot clearer. I also know that many people struggle with abusing food. Oreos may be your vice of choice. Mine is pinot grigio on an empty stomach.

Exercise really helps me cope with my anxiety. Running helps me to think and process my thoughts. CrossFit is fantastic because my brain shuts off for the entire hour. It sometimes feels like it's the only time of the day when I get a break from myself. Worrying all of the time is exhausting.

I have struggled with both anxiety and depression, and it can be very lonely. I'm pretty open about seeing a psychologist and taking medication, but I still feel judged at times for admitting that I don't have it 100% together. After I was attacked, it seemed like people were more understanding, but I still feel a little ashamed that I rely on prescription drugs. I was packing for NJ last week and I was like shit, I have six bottles in my carry-on.

Today I have been fretting over the stupidest things. My internet was out in the morning (again) and I got myself so worked up about having to walk to Starbucks to prep for my check-in with my manager. I was so flustered that I kept saying words out of order and then I got even more anxious that I sounded stupid or drunk. Sometimes I feel nauseous when I think about sending simple emails or calling people back. I'm great in a crisis. I have no problem rising to the occasion if we've got a stage 5 fire alarm and only 3 hours to handle the issue, but a regular day at work can feel like the most daunting thing in the world. I'm supposed to pick someone up from the airport tomorrow, and I seriously considered texting to say that I had an unexpected business trip and wouldn't be home this week.

Why am I admitting to this on the internet? Well for starters, putting it out there makes me feel less trapped by shame. And you might be going something similar and feeling very alone. I'm going to try to buckle down and crank out some work this afternoon. I am currently eating lunch, even thought I don't want it. I'm going to go to CrossFit at six with my friends and enjoy their company. It's okay to feel dumb about your first world problems, but that doesn't make them feel any less real.

Monday, February 6, 2017

Bikram Yoga Roslyn

Two years ago, I was visiting my parents in New York for a couple of weeks and I went to Bikram Yoga Roslyn. It was a really rough time. I had recently been attacked, and I had stopped sleeping. Not sleeping will drive you insane. I was fighting a lot with my then boyfriend, I knew I was getting laid off, and I felt like I had wasted a year of my life in Atlanta by not making any friends. I walk into the studio, not knowing anyone, and I met Keith. He made me feel so welcomed and I really needed a friend that week.

Keith and I have kept in touch and we got to practice together on Saturday! He really is the best because he got up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the 7:30 AM class because I had an early afternoon flight. Mary Griffin taught class and it was lovely.

Friday, February 3, 2017

Mothertucker!

My mom is pretty badass. She goes to Pure Barre six days a week AND she also does cardio at her conventional gym. I came up north for two days of AmeriCorps training in Trenton, NJ, and I obviously decided to make a stop in New York for an almost free trip to visit my mama. (I paid for my LIRR train ticket thank you very much.) The benefits of being able to work anywhere with a WiFi connection are clutch.

My mom takes me with her to Pure Barre Huntington Village when I'm staying at the family homestead. Today's class wasn't particularly difficult but I enjoyed spending some quality time with her just the same.


It turns out that my mom has some serious fan girls at PB. They told me that her work ethic, agelessness, and beauty motivates them in class. My mom is very good at Pure Barre and she inspires me, so I get it.

I met her friend Laura, who is adorably sweet. She recently started Pure Barre and has already joined the 100 Club! Laura has sick shoulders and they are very mobile. I kept staring at her form in the mirror and was like, dang it woman, teach me your ways!

My mom refused to take a selfie with me but said we could take a picture of our socks. Clearly she doesn't care about my social media presence.


The family that tucks together looks a hell of a lot better in their spandex.

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Weight Loss Wednesday 2.1.17

I took these photos at 5 in the morning before my flight to New Jersey. That's how much I love you guys. I weighed in at 143. I ate all the carbs the night before and it felt glorious.




Tuesday, January 31, 2017

January 2017 Goals



Fitness and Nutrition

CrossFit Goal: 19/200 WODs. I'm off to a great start to meet this goal because I need about 17 classes per month. Our coach Alex has started to post an Abs by Coach Alex workout each day as accessory work. This has been really great because it's helped me to make friends with some members at the gym that I didn't know very well.

Not CrossFit: I went to Pure Barre Brookhaven four times. I bought an unlimited back for $75 when they first opened and I never used it. A single class is $23 so I got my money's worth. It was a pain in the ass to drive up to Brookhaven on weeknights but the studio is really pretty. You get to look out onto Dresden Drive and see what folks are up to when your thighs are shaking. Unfortunately, I never got to go to class with my friend Mara.

Macro Tracking: 3/Weekend Days. I realized that I was binge eating again when I started tracking my weekends. This realization caused me to adjust my weekday macros and I'm a lot happier.

Water: I'm drinking between 50 and 70 ounces a day, not including the water I put into my shakes, pre-workout etc. Definitely room for improvement.

Happiness

Church: I went to church twice. Last Sunday I went to lunch with three friends afterwards and it was hands down the best part of my week. I was also home to go to community dinner every week this month. I am so thankful I found this church.

Call a Friend: I had two great phone calls this month. My friend Rylan and I caught up after someone pretending to be me said she was pregnant and naming her baby after Rylan. Just as an FYI, I claimed this baby name in 2012 and I will fight you. My high school roommate Heather and I had the most fantastic call on Sunday night. We've been playing phone tag forever and she called me back just as I was getting on the treadmill to get in my 10,000 steps. I walked on an incline and we had so much fun catching each other up on our fantastic, and sometimes dramatic, lives.

Monday, January 30, 2017

I'm Losing My Gains!

So I know that I regularly claim that I'm losing my gains, usually when I'm hangry or unable to do anymore pull-ups. Except it turns out that I actually am losing my gains.


On Saturday, Body Fat Test Atlanta came to CrossFit Identity with the dunk tank. This was my fourth test. The great news - I'm at 18.6% body fat. The bad news - I lost 0.55 lbs of muscle. This is on top of the pound of muscle I lost between 2014 and 2015. I know about half of you are rolling your eyes over 1.55 lbs, and the other half of you are about to send me condolence letters. Do you know how freaking hard it is to gain a pound of muscle? Really. Freaking. Hard.
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