Maybe I Should Fire My Shrink

October 18, 2012 to October 18, 2013 was probably the absolute worst year of my life. I had my heart broken, I was roofied, I made an ass out of myself, I blacked out, I spent more hungover hours on planes than anyone should in their entire lifetime, and my grandmother died. I take responsibility for everything except my grandmother. I made a lot of bad decisions during that period but spending time with my grandmother during the last two months of her life is the best decision I made all year.

The second best decision was joining CrossFit. CrossFit has changed my life. Before you dismiss that statement as another rookie who has chugged the Kool-Aid and wants to tell everyone about how great life is in knee-socks, hear me out. I had found rock bottom and I was sad. I was facing the kind of sadness that left me hopeless - that nothing was particularly wrong except for me and that if I weren't so broken then things would be different. I have good friends, a job that I love, and a patient and devoted family, but my life felt empty because I felt empty. 

Sometimes I feel that I put my personality on in the morning and that left to my own devices, I would stare at people like I sometimes find myself staring at blank walls. I have no problem with prolonged direct eye contact that most others find creepy if not terrifying. My natural resting face is often devoid of emotion. It's like bitchy resting face, but less outright mean and more "Oh shit, that's the kind of girl who throws you onto the subway tracks because you cut her off at the turnstile."

I think I've just never felt truly a part of anything until now. I wanted to be in the CrossFit community so badly that I have entirely stepped out of my comfort zone. Instead of being quick with sarcastic comments, I am quick to encourage others and cheer them on. I introduce myself to strangers, high five folks I met 5 minutes before, and care about my classmates' success as much if not more as my own. I ask if I can join too when folks are discussing fun plans in the locker room, I sign up for 5Ks because people post about them in the Facebook group, and then insist we all need to have brunch together afterwards to celebrate. I don't recognize myself and for that I am glad.

I went to CrossFit Prom last month and buying a ticket to a party where I know no one is not my style. I was obviously not showing up alone so I invited JP, but I'm pretty proud of myself for being social with everyone else and I didn't even have to blackout to do it. I apparently can't be that bad since these folks actually agree to be my friends in real life. I'll admit that it still feels a little strange to be included in things - like spending a morning volunteering at Sports Explorers with students from PS 188 - but I like it. 

So I was right - it was me that was holding me back. CrossFit has given me the confidence to stop being such an asshole. It's given me the strength to be vulnerable. And if I haven't proven my point to you yet, I now let people touch me without flinching or holding my breath. That's right - I hug. With two arms. It is a miracle.