Today I had a terrible time at CrossFit. CrossFit is literally the only time in my entire day when someone isn't asking me to do something for or give something to them. I look forward to going usually. I recently committed to staying after class on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday to complete the exit work programming, even if I don't like it because I want to be better at CrossFit. It's been difficult to reconcile that pretty much the entire gym got better in the past two years and I have gotten worse. Yes, I can look at my stressful job and my required work travel as justifications for why I am where I am now, but the straight truth is a lot of people worked their asses off practicing and I did not. I spent 8 minutes in the bottom of a handstand push-up last Saturday, not even remotely kipping off the ground, which shouldn't be surprising since I haven't attempted a HSPU since 2016. The last time I did them, I used two ab mats.
Which brings us to tonight. The extra work programming today was 10x10 unbroken handstand push-ups. I told myself last night and all day today that I had to stay and practice. So after the workout, even though I wanted to go home, I went and grabbed two ab mats and went to practice HSPUs by myself. Apparently we don't use two ab mats anymore, even for practice, which I learned when the coach stopped coaching the 6 PM class to ask me if I liked breaking ab mats. I don't think he meant to hurt my feelings, or at least I hope he didn't, but I was humiliated. I wasn't trying to break anything. I just wanted to work at something that I am really bad at in hopes that I could improve and not spend 8 minutes futilely attempting to handstand push-up next year. I felt so stupid, so fat, and so uncoordinated. When he told me to put the ab mats back, I choked back tears while I wiped them down. And then I walked to my car and cried. I ugly cried sitting in the parking lot for 10 minutes. I ugly cried all the way home. I ugly cried while I texted my friend Kayte. I'm actually ugly crying now.
I think I can usually take a joke. Maybe it's the constant feeling of failure at work, or being at home all alone all day, or not seeing my boyfriend for months, but I've just felt awful for a really long time. I didn't want to be a person who sneaks out of the gym to cry in the parking lot. CrossFit used to make me really happy, but lately it's just a reminder of things I can't do well anymore. My working sets for 80% back squats today was my old warm-up weight. It's humbling. It's also easy to walk out right after the workout instead of staying to work on things that I suck at, and so I guess I was particularly sensitive to these comments.
So of course I want to quit the gym and find somewhere else or something else to do, but I know that if this happened to someone else and that person asked my advice, I'd tell her to let herself cool down and just go back tomorrow and put her head down and get back to work. I guess the only thing I can do is put my head down and practice because otherwise the only person I am hurting is myself.
Here's a picture of my new Blender Bottle. I think it's pretty and it's about the only thing I've got going for myself today.