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My excessive energy, extreme narcissism, and intense love of neon-colored spandex is both managed and fueled by my addiction to fitness. I push myself to extremes and I push other people's buttons. Obviously I needed my own blog.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Thoughts on Love During a Long Run

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (Corinthians 13:4-7)

Today I ran the long run I skipped last Friday in favor of watching The Young and the Restless in bed with my dog. Spectacular idea at the time and I felt pretty good on my run today. I had 8 miles to cover before my Pure Barre class at noon. I left a little bit after 9:30 AM and headed south on the Eastside Beltline Trail.

I had to run 4 more miles after the Beltline so I hit up Piedmont Park
I decided to try to run with some music. I've been hesitant to wear headphones since I was mugged but eventually I've got to start weighing possible dangers against the things that I enjoy, and listening to some tunes during an 8 mile run in broad daylight is something I enjoy. I found an old Spotify playlist that I used to listen to when I lived in NY and I pined over an unrequited love. It was the first time I had ever wanted to know a person for exactly who he is. I wanted to know everything about him, and he told me many things about his life, from his childhood to what brought him to NY and where he wanted his life to go. He just failed to mention that he already had a girlfriend. And that's how I came to spend months of my life in love with someone who was already in love with someone else.

I don't think I understood what it meant to have your heart physically hurt until that happened. But I'm thankful for the experience because I started thinking about the things I wanted in my life - a partner, someone with whom to form and celebrate silly Christmas traditions, a person who would have my back as much as I had his. But I also realized NY wasn't the place for me to create my happiness. I had been waffling on the idea of moving for over a year. I didn't want to give myself the option of entertaining the chance of seeing him or what-ifs, and so I elected not to renew my lease. I gave myself 5 weeks to choose between San Diego and Atlanta. I took 3 and chose Atlanta.

My boyfriend broke up with me last week. It didn't come as much of a surprise. In many ways, I also wanted out of the relationship. I lost my voice this past year. I think that's become pretty evident in my writing. My blog seemed so sanitary and lacked emotion. I worried about offending people, and I worried about being punished for writing my feelings. It's no fun feeling second best or last choice, and worrying that someone isn't with you because of you. And I keep records of wrongdoing and have trouble letting things go, especially when someone doesn't ask for my forgiveness. I'm somewhere between sadness and anger about it.

view from above the Active Oval in Piedmont Park
At mile 3, I tired of listening to sad songs that reminded me of how painful matters of the heart can be. I put on Cream's "I Feel Free" and for 2 glorious minutes and 53 beautiful seconds, I ran with light feet and a light heart, with the sun on my face and Atlanta's skyline stretching out before me, and I remembered why I moved 1,000 miles away from my apartment in NY. Love always perseveres.

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