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My excessive energy, extreme narcissism, and intense love of neon-colored spandex is both managed and fueled by my addiction to fitness. I push myself to extremes and I push other people's buttons. Obviously I needed my own blog.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Anxiety and Depression

I've seen these meme posted on the interwebs quite a bit. Honestly, I wish I could eat when I'm anxious. Sometimes when I feel like I'm having a panic attack, I realize that I haven't eat in hours or since yesterday, and I'll force myself to choke down whatever I've prepped for lunch, and my brain is suddenly a lot clearer. I also know that many people struggle with abusing food. Oreos may be your vice of choice. Mine is pinot grigio on an empty stomach.

Exercise really helps me cope with my anxiety. Running helps me to think and process my thoughts. CrossFit is fantastic because my brain shuts off for the entire hour. It sometimes feels like it's the only time of the day when I get a break from myself. Worrying all of the time is exhausting.

I have struggled with both anxiety and depression, and it can be very lonely. I'm pretty open about seeing a psychologist and taking medication, but I still feel judged at times for admitting that I don't have it 100% together. After I was attacked, it seemed like people were more understanding, but I still feel a little ashamed that I rely on prescription drugs. I was packing for NJ last week and I was like shit, I have six bottles in my carry-on.

Today I have been fretting over the stupidest things. My internet was out in the morning (again) and I got myself so worked up about having to walk to Starbucks to prep for my check-in with my manager. I was so flustered that I kept saying words out of order and then I got even more anxious that I sounded stupid or drunk. Sometimes I feel nauseous when I think about sending simple emails or calling people back. I'm great in a crisis. I have no problem rising to the occasion if we've got a stage 5 fire alarm and only 3 hours to handle the issue, but a regular day at work can feel like the most daunting thing in the world. I'm supposed to pick someone up from the airport tomorrow, and I seriously considered texting to say that I had an unexpected business trip and wouldn't be home this week.

Why am I admitting to this on the internet? Well for starters, putting it out there makes me feel less trapped by shame. And you might be going something similar and feeling very alone. I'm going to try to buckle down and crank out some work this afternoon. I am currently eating lunch, even thought I don't want it. I'm going to go to CrossFit at six with my friends and enjoy their company. It's okay to feel dumb about your first world problems, but that doesn't make them feel any less real.

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