Hungry People are Mean, Happy People are Fat 3

My future self-help/weight-loss/lifestyle book is going to be a hit. I haven't had an appetite all day.

Ribbon Dancing

Today I threw back the covers and went to Zumba. It was exactly what I needed - a chance to shake and jump and punch and pretend to be a badass motherfucker who will fuck you up in between some sweet merengue moves. And to top it all off we got scarves to run around with like ribbon dancers. The Ribbon Dancer was one of my all time favorite toys up there with the Skip-It.

I got dumped on Friday. Kind of out of the blue. Now that I've dissected every conversation we ever had, I think there were some very tell-tale signs. But I was blindsided on Friday when I was getting ready to meet him for drinks. Such is life.

I figure that since I tell you about spitting up on myself in spinning class and suddenly being overwhelmed by the need to use the bathroom mid-run, that y'all should get the privilege of knowing that my love life is a cross between a Judy Blume young adult novel and an episode of Jerry Springer.

So I'm on my second failed relationship for the month of May. What have I learned from this experience? (The answer is probably nothing but let's at least pretend I learn from my mistakes and that I'm not doomed to repeat history like the Germans.)

It's time for me to be single. I've got to let go of the hurt I've been carrying around since I was 15. In many ways, I am still 15. This isn't going to happen if I just keep moving from one relationship to a pseudo relationship to a hook up buddy to another relationship over and over.

When someone tells you he doesn't believe in the Second Amendment and has an Obama campaign poster in his bedroom, you should quietly remove yourself and not come back.

Rushing into things may seem romantic, but it creates an artificial attachment. How can you really know someone and have feelings for them in a matter of weeks?

Never build a common bond on your favorite things. Now Arrested Development, a shot of Dewars with a side of Bud Heavy, One Direction, Frankie Valli, Sheep's Meadow, and hazelnut coffee all carry feelings of sadness. These are things that usually make me feel happy.

The last guy (before this one) has temporarily ruined the Museum of Natural History, Guinness and a shot of Jameson, Teddy Roosevelt, Shake Shack, and the sociologist Erving Goffman. Never share a favorite president and a favorite sociologist. You're asking for heartache.

So I took 3 days off from this running challenge. Whatever. I'll figure out a way to redeem myself. On Friday I was hungover and then spent the rest of the evening crying. Had I known that I would be dumped in a few hours, I would've ran earlier and saved Young and the Restless for the night I spent in bed.

Ciao Bella Key Lime gelato

Yesterday my mom came and picked me up. I sat on the couch in a swoutfit and felt sorry for myself/watched an Awkward marathon and cracked up a lot. Season 2 starts June 28. Can't wait.

Sweat shorts are the best invention ever.

Today I had one of my best effed up ideas of all time. In order to better understand why I am the way I am, I invite anyone I've hooked up with in the past 10 years to go for a run with me and share some feedback. You can tell me how I fucked up, acted nuts, and/or blatantly disregarded your feelings. You can also tell me I am incredibly awesome and highlight my finer qualities. All I ask is that you let me summarize your feedback on this blog. I promise to protect your anonymity and you can even choose your own nickname. In exchange for your time, I'll buy you a post-run beer. Email me if you're interested.

After going to the beach with my dad, we hit up Fairway.
I found the Magic Pop station. The fresh ground honey roasted peanut butter is delicious.

I will leave you with a parting question- Can I steal this last guy's favorite guacamole and margarita restaurant? He doesn't live in that neighborhood anymore and he was probably breaking all sorts of relationship codes by bringing me somewhere he used to go with his ex (anyone else watch The Secret Life of the American Teenager?). I think that a strong margarita is a great consolation prize.

#RWRunStreak Summer 2012

Runner's World Summer Running Streak 2012 is a challenge to run at least one mile every day between Memorial Day (Monday, May 28) and Independence Day (Wednesday, July 4). Obviously I see a challenge on the internet and I can't say no. Thirty-eight days of running? No sweat. Well, actually a lot of sweat. It's freaking hot out there. But I am confident that I will be able to do this because I don't accept failure.

On Monday I dragged my hungover ass out of Alyssa's bed and set out to run this loop in beautiful New Rochelle. My phone was dead from drunk dialing the night before and I was forced to run without music. I usually don't care about running with music, but when I am struggling to even put shoes on, I find music essential. So there I am, running along Webster Avenue, hoping for death, and trying to run in a straight line. I remember forgoing the too salty crab cakes in favor of three more Bloody Mary's at dinner the night before. We ate before 4, so yes, it was still appropriate to drink Bloody Mary's.

I couldn't complete the whole loop so I turned early and managed 2.51 miles. I think I hallucinated a lake and someone was smoking marijuana in the children's park on North in case anyone wants to look into this corrupt behavior.

Proof of Day 1

On Tuesday I had plans to go to the gym for yoga. However, I was somehow convinced to see a musical (yes, a musical), so I had to switch up my plans. Fortunately my go-to Equinox is 50th and Broadway, conveniently located near the theaters where musicals are performed. I did 20 minutes on the crossramp, 15 minutes of lifting, and I ran a mile on the treadmill. I ran in my K-Swiss micro tubes. They're fine for running a short distance on a treadmill but I wouldn't run outside in them. They're crosstraining shoes and they pinched my toe after a while. Oh yeah, in case you were wondering, we saw Jersey Boys, which was actually pretty good. I love Frankie Valli and I listen to doo-wop regularly. I just ignored the plot and the fact that grown men were dancing on an oddly tiny stage.

Proof of Day 2
I don't think it took me 15 minutes to run this.
I think the 15 is actually the pace I used to cool down for 1/10 of a mile.

Yesterday I had to leave work early at the time normal people leave to pick up my race packet for the NYRR American Heart Association Wall Street Run. I realized I wouldn't be able to go to a gym class, shower, get my hair cut, and make it to dinner with this guy I'm seeing. Instead I rushed home from NYRR and ran 5 miles along the East River Esplanade.

One of my super cool action shots.

I had planned on making my run closer to 3 miles because I needed to get over to Supercuts. Yes, I cheated on my hairdresser Jorge, but I just couldn't take my hair any longer. It kept getting stuck to my back when I ran and I looked like I was attacked my a weed whacker in the morning.

Goodbye hair.

The last mile of the run was kind of killer. I didn't want to bust through it because I have this 3 mile race tonight, but I also didn't want to run 10 minute miles either. I averaged 8.27 minute miles.

Proof of Day 3

Beach Yoga

Memorial Day Weekend beach yoga.

Hindsight is 20/20 But I've Got 20/15

Well hindsight's 20/20. Part of me wants to say I should've known that rushing into a relationship and reliving the glory days of a college I don't think I really miss was a bad idea. I would also like to say that I have learned my lesson, but that would be a lie. As my mother told my father at family dinner on Saturday, "Allie's on her fourth boyfriend since Christmas." The woman uses the term boyfriend loosely...

What can I say? I work fast.

Speaking of fast...

Not having to worry about contacts at the gym has reduced my prep time considerably. Now I can walk out of my office, hop on the train up to 50th, and be changed for my workout in under 18 minutes. No joke, I timed myself. If you're toying with the idea of getting LASIK, contact Dello Russo LaserVision for a free consultation. Then tell them I sent you so I can get a free pair of sunglasses.

After a two week hiatus, I returned to my yoga class last night. I think I'm getting pretty decent. Mariko had us move from chaturanga dandasana into up dog in a way that really targeted my triceps. Clever woman. My sister got in super good shape from going to yoga three days a week (and eating like a bird, but whatever), so I'm going to stick with it.

This is my sister. She's pretty wise.

Brooklyn Half

I was supposed to run the Brooklyn Half Marathon. And I didn't. I've never missed a race before but I just didn't want to wake up. 5 AM to go to Brooklyn? Only to teach, my friends. I slept through my wake up calls and you know what? I'm kind of okay with that.

I woke up at 8 and watched the Young and the Restless instead!

Congratulations to the Professor and all of my other friends who chose to run instead of sleeping off martinis and making out with an attractive bedmate.

NYRR Run as One

I know I've said that I'm over Sunday races (I just can't stay sober for an entire weekend), but I signed up for the NYRR Run as One 4 mile race because I knew I had the Wendy Walk later that day. If I could haul my ass out of bed for the race, I knew I would definitely make it to the walk.

Obviously I went out the night before (my presence was requested at a going away party, and who am I to say no?) and I woke up and really didn't feel like racing. I was awake with more than enough time to get ready, but I decided to read a few chapters of Fifty Shades of Grey, and as usual found myself sprinting to the starting line. The race had already begun but I was able to hop in with the other yellow bib wearers about 50 feet behind the line.

It was definitely a run that required music. I think I listened to Goyte's "Somebody That I Used To Know" like eight times and some Skrillex. I'm not actually that sure anymore, mostly because I was still a little drunk. This 4 mile race follows the same course as the one I ran in April of 2011. It starts at 68th on the east side, goes up and cuts across the 102nd traverse, heads back down the loop and finishes on the 72nd traverse. I was handling myself pretty well and didn't need to weave much until I got up to the hundreds. I wasn't sure if I was slowing down or not because my Garmin never picked up its signal (this is why I shouldn't show up late to races!) and the distance was too short to bother. Mile 3 felt like a bitch and a half. The hill that normally feels like nothing in comparison to the Harlem Hills suddenly felt like Kilimanjaro and I could taste vodka in my throat. I had flashbacks of chugging vodka over ice while ignoring the people around me the night before. Let's be honest here, what the hell am I going to do at a party of mostly girls that I don't know? I subtle move, I drink, I run, and I passionately fight for ed reform. Drinking was the only activity that made sense. (Actually, later in the evening I found myself discussing the pros and cons of last in first out outside of Sweet and Vicious and it was the best part of the entire night.)

When you're thinking about throwing up at mile 3 of a 4 mile race, the only thing left to do is truck it. You're going to boot or your not, but there's no reason to lose time over it. I channeled the beast and started hauling ass towards the finish line.

the beast in action

My coworker said he saw me passing people like woah. He beat me anyway.

Look at those legs muscles! Does anyone else's form drastically change when running sub 7 minute miles? I propel myself forward and I actually feel a lot better, but I feel like I'm wasting a lot of energy if I use the same form when running slower. It feels awkward.

My original plan was to keep running until the Wendy Walk but it was a little chilly and I wanted to read porn about Christian and Ana so I headed on home. I also took the bus. Super lazy.

I finished in 30:10 with an average of 7:32 minute miles. Definitely not as good as last April's 29:21 (7:20 minute miles) but it could have been worse.

One Reason I Love My Job

One reason I love my job is that my coworkers spice up their emails with fun facts. Today I received a link to this article about an unlikely ultra winner. In 1983, a sixty-one year old man rolled up to the start of a 543.7 mile race, won the race, and shocked all the elite athletes. Read about it here.

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Hungry People are Mean, Happy People are Fat 2

So I need to drop weight stat to fit into my jorts by Saturday's Neon Indian concert. Inhaling Chinese food and drinking Bud heavies has done nothing for my waist line and it's beginning to affect my self-esteem. Note to self, you are 5'5 1/2" and when you eat like a grown man, you weigh as much as a grown man.

One day I will publish my self-help/diet/lifestyle book called Hungry People are Mean, Happy People are Fat: How Ruining Your Life and All of Your Meaningful Relationships Once a Month Will Keep You Slim! I am skinnier when I am unhappy, so my rationale is that purposefully messing up my personal life will make it easier to stay thin.

Let's take a look at some evidence.

In high school, this guy liked me and I liked him, although I refused to tell him. After telling me he thought school dances were lame, I went without him, almost called him to say I was coming over, but instead decided to do shots on the football field with another guy. Suddenly I'm suspended and the guy I like is dating this other girl. I spent the rest of the trimester hopelessly obsessed with him, running extra laps after lacrosse practice, and making weird bargains with myself that I could have a cookie if I didn't call him and then dialing his room phone over and over. I looked amazing.

My sophomore year in college, I had a bit of a nervous breakdown and became OBSESSED with my boyfriend, who I now realize kind of hated me. I didn't make it easy on him, and the more he decided he wanted nothing to do with me, the more I was determined to convince him that we were meant for each other. I was also pledging. I ate 3 scrambled eggs with cheese for breakfast and then mainlined non-fat sugar-free vanilla lattes for the rest of the day. Occasionally, during lock-ins or other forms of group female bonding, I would order fried shrimps while everyone else ate pizza. I also occasionally ate apples. I was miserable but I looked incredible in my Christmas party formal outfit.

That's me in the bustier.
I weighed 117 lbs.

My second year of teaching I was disgusted with myself for gaining so much weight. I never wanted to go out, I didn't want anyone to touch me, and I got so fed up with my life that I moved home. I went to the gym nearly every day. I read Tosca Reno and Jillian Michaels' books cover to cover. I thought I was doing pretty well for myself (I ate clean, worked out hard, figured out how to disable my phone to avoid drunk dialing kids I used to go to college with) until I realized I had the social life of a fifty-year-old Long Island divorcee. Actually, that's a lie. My gym friends were leaving their kids with sitters and going out more often than I did. Despite the realization that I was hiding from life in the suburbs, I had a six-pack and you could have bounced quarters off my ass.

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Now that I have less than six days to squeeze that ass into my jorts, I've got some ideas on how to lose weight quickly.

1. Go to the gym. Today I've got kettlebell, Tuesday is yoga, Thursday is a run, Friday is kettlebell, Saturday is a run.

2. Fixate on my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. You want to lose your appetite? Imagine what you do with the person you like, and then imagine that person doing the same thing with the person before you. You're welcome.

3. Drink water. When I was super gym girl, I drank 5 liters a day. Now I forget to drink one.

4. Go to bed instead of the bar. Hangovers and lack of sleep make me binge eat. I can't believe I used to wake up after a bender and drink one 20 oz Gatorade and a packet of Raisinets and think that I had splurged.

5. Send cryptic text messages to exes, sort of exes, and anyone else that might help declare World War III. If you're fingers are busy texting and your mouth is busy yelling into your phone, you won't be able to eat.

Chances are that if I am well-hydrated and well-rested, I will go to the gym. Going to the gym will make me feel better about myself and help me to make better food choices. Or my meddling will leave me single and then I'll really be unhappy and I won't eat and I'll workout a lot. Win win.

Monday Night Long Run

I ran into my neighbor/running partner on my way back from the Wendy Walk on Sunday and agreed to a 10 miler for Monday night. I obviously stayed at work longer than I had intended, but I was out the door and fiddling with my Garmin by 6:58 PM.

I'm a wear tester for Brooks, and while I can't blog about the shoes they send me, I will say that they are road to trail shoes and super cute. It probably wasn't the best idea to wear trail shoes for a long run (even if they are hybrids) but I wanted to put some mileage on them.

I can't show you the Brooks shoes, but I can show you the sick kicks I bought at Aldo.

We headed to the park and decided to start with a 6 mile loop. The shoes felt pretty heavy by mile 3 (the second mile from the entrance at 85th Street) and I was a little annoyed at myself for not wearing my Ghosts instead.

I told myself to suck it up and then followed my neighbor's lead and ran on the fake trail that runs along the loop. Has anyone else noticed this thing? I guess a lot of runners prefer to run on the ground and continuous use has killed the grass. It felt much better than the pavement and now I get to say I used the shoes on trail.

Last week my Favorite Work Friend and I ran around the Reservoir and I wore them then too. Does that count as trail?

My knee was bothering me on the run. Maybe because I did that to myself on Friday?

The neighbor and I decided to cut across the 102nd traverse during our next loop and then cross back at the 72nd traverse. We live up in the 80s so we kept running until we reached the 85th Street exit. The Garmin clocked in at 11.16 miles. This includes the mile we ran to the park but not the walk we did back home. I ran an extra block after going to CVS hence the 11.27 miles below.

Learning my lesson, I decided to bring some fuel for this run. I finally tried the Margarita Clif Shot Bloks that some people love and many others hate. I thought they were effing delicious and the neighbor enjoyed them too. I know what I'll be snacking on when I run the KeyBank Vermont City Marathon on May 27.

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You didn't know I was running a marathon in Vermont for Memorial Day instead of getting wasted and playing croquet on the cape? Yeah, I didn't either. Surprise!

"You will be spending time outdoors, in the mountains, near water."