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My excessive energy, extreme narcissism, and intense love of neon-colored spandex is both managed and fueled by my addiction to fitness. I push myself to extremes and I push other people's buttons. Obviously I needed my own blog.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Feeling Okay

My trip to LA feels like a year ago instead of just a week. I came back and experienced four different climates, somehow created my own timezone, and learned that someone I liked very much passed away. It is extremely sad and my heart goes out to his family and loved ones during this difficult time.

So I'm feeling okay. Not rockstar awesome, not depressed, and not even indifferent. I'm just feeling okay. My entire body aches from 14.3 plus two days of wall balls. Anthony is preparing us for the two remaining Open workouts but if I do another wall ball in the next 24 hours, I won't be able to complete any wall balls that may appear in 14.4. (I have accepted that there will be wall balls announced tomorrow and I have made peace with it.)

I don't really feel okay often. I feel excitement, I feel rage, I feel kickass and ready to take on the world. I also feel anxious a lot, as in multiple times a day a lot. I feel BIG emotions and sometimes I get a little nervous that what I actually feel is mania.

I get nervous - debilitatingly nervous - about fairly innocuous things, like my vacation to LA. You would have thought that I was exchanging rental cars at the airport and driving 2 hours north in a war zone by the way I was acting. I had a headache, I couldn't breathe, I wanted to fly home. I thought about changing my flight. Seriously? I was going to cancel my vacation for no apparent reason besides the fact that an unstructured trip without a project plan and a schedule gave me heart palpitations.

But I went and had probably the best four days that I have had in years. It was so peaceful. I did things that I like to do (CrossFit, trips to Whole Foods, yoga - eh I kind of like yoga) with people that I love and value. And it occurred to me - maybe I don't spend enough time with people I love and value.

I feel extremely fortunate to have found a community of people that I love and value at CrossFit Hell's Kitchen. My recent travel has taken me away from them and I genuinely missed them. That's pretty new for me since I have "friends" that I can go years without seeing and it doesn't seem to phase me at all. Part of that is the way that the internet can make us feel connected to people we don't see in person often. Another part is that I don't actually like these "friends" or notice when they're not around.

Today I was supposed to visit CrossFit East River with a friend I don't see often enough but since he hasn't responded to my email (yup, you are being publicly shamed and I have no idea how you survive without a cellphone for weeks at a time), I think I'm taking a rest day.

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