In Shape Out of Mind: Beast Worx

Monday, July 6, 2015

Front Squats and Reflections on Life

Things have been really hard for me lately. I was hoping that I'd bounce back quickly after my attack in May, but it's been much slower progress than I had hoped. Just now I took Frank out to the grass directly in front of my apartment and I was genuinely scared. I stood out there, standing as tall as possible, and repeating, "I have a 165# front squat and a taser - no one is fucking with me ever again." I keep my taser on and ready and I don't go out after dark without it. Today I ran errands alone in Atlanta for the first time since early June and I was scared to walk across parking lots in broad daylight. It makes me so angry because I feel so weak.

I was laid off (again) and my last day on the job is July 31. Thankfully my role was extended past the last day of the fiscal year (May 29), but I've been rejected from internal positions that I really thought I had a strong chance of getting. It's been frustrating because the feedback I've received has been basically, "We think you're great, but since so many people got laid off this year, the applicant pools are huge and competitive and you just weren't the best, but you were totally number 2." I've been getting pissed off because after defining myself by my work for so long, I now feel that another thing has been taken away from me and it's out of my control.

I've been acting really negative and taking it out on my wonderful boyfriend, who is a saint to put up with me. Today's his birthday so you should wish him a happy birthday if you know him and haven't done so yet. Even going back up to NY for two weeks didn't help make me feel better. It's like the joy has been sucked right out of my life and I'm stuck in this cycle of feeling and acting like a victim. Even after being beaten and losing my job, this year is actually much better than 2009-2012, and I made it through all that. I feel like I've lost perspective.