One day I will publish my self-help/diet/lifestyle book called Hungry People are Mean, Happy People are Fat: How Ruining Your Life and All of Your Meaningful Relationships Once a Month Will Keep You Slim! I am skinnier when I am unhappy, so my rationale is that purposefully messing up my personal life will make it easier to stay thin.
Let's take a look at some evidence.
In high school, this guy liked me and I liked him, although I refused to tell him. After telling me he thought school dances were lame, I went without him, almost called him to say I was coming over, but instead decided to do shots on the football field with another guy. Suddenly I'm suspended and the guy I like is dating this other girl. I spent the rest of the trimester hopelessly obsessed with him, running extra laps after lacrosse practice, and making weird bargains with myself that I could have a cookie if I didn't call him and then dialing his room phone over and over. I looked amazing.
My sophomore year in college, I had a bit of a nervous breakdown and became OBSESSED with my boyfriend, who I now realize kind of hated me. I didn't make it easy on him, and the more he decided he wanted nothing to do with me, the more I was determined to convince him that we were meant for each other. I was also pledging. I ate 3 scrambled eggs with cheese for breakfast and then mainlined non-fat sugar-free vanilla lattes for the rest of the day. Occasionally, during lock-ins or other forms of group female bonding, I would order fried shrimps while everyone else ate pizza. I also occasionally ate apples. I was miserable but I looked incredible in my Christmas party formal outfit.
|That's me in the bustier.|
I weighed 117 lbs.
My second year of teaching I was disgusted with myself for gaining so much weight. I never wanted to go out, I didn't want anyone to touch me, and I got so fed up with my life that I moved home. I went to the gym nearly every day. I read Tosca Reno and Jillian Michaels' books cover to cover. I thought I was doing pretty well for myself (I ate clean, worked out hard, figured out how to disable my phone to avoid drunk dialing kids I used to go to college with) until I realized I had the social life of a fifty-year-old Long Island divorcee. Actually, that's a lie. My gym friends were leaving their kids with sitters and going out more often than I did. Despite the realization that I was hiding from life in the suburbs, I had a six-pack and you could have bounced quarters off my ass.
Now that I have less than six days to squeeze that ass into my jorts, I've got some ideas on how to lose weight quickly.
1. Go to the gym. Today I've got kettlebell, Tuesday is yoga, Thursday is a run, Friday is kettlebell, Saturday is a run.
2. Fixate on my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. You want to lose your appetite? Imagine what you do with the person you like, and then imagine that person doing the same thing with the person before you. You're welcome.
3. Drink water. When I was super gym girl, I drank 5 liters a day. Now I forget to drink one.
4. Go to bed instead of the bar. Hangovers and lack of sleep make me binge eat. I can't believe I used to wake up after a bender and drink one 20 oz Gatorade and a packet of Raisinets and think that I had splurged.
5. Send cryptic text messages to exes, sort of exes, and anyone else that might help declare World War III. If you're fingers are busy texting and your mouth is busy yelling into your phone, you won't be able to eat.
Chances are that if I am well-hydrated and well-rested, I will go to the gym. Going to the gym will make me feel better about myself and help me to make better food choices. Or my meddling will leave me single and then I'll really be unhappy and I won't eat and I'll workout a lot. Win win.