|February 15, 2017 @ 146 lbs|
I realized that I spent most of my day exhausted and I was consuming more caffeine than even what I consider normal, which is a fuck ton. I'm talking multiple iced coffees and cups of hot coffee, plus cold brew in my protein shake, and I was taking pre-workout to just stay mildly alert past 3 PM. My head felt foggy and I'd realize that I hadn't eaten anything but I wasn't hungry slash I was trying to save all my macros for dinner so I wouldn't stay awake with a grumbling stomach. I was taking Ambien pretty much every night to go to bed because I was jacked up on every legal upper I could get my grubby little hands on.
|February 27, 2017. In a hotel in Austin, post-CrossFit.|
|March 1, 2017. In a hotel in Austin. I weighed 145.8 on March 8.|
I started upping my numbers again and wasn't seeing much progress, but I felt a little better. Then I came down with this ridiculous cold that was more like the flu, and I slept 11.5 hours without sleeping pills for the first time in years. Actually, I'm not sure if I'd ever slept 11.5 hours before unless I had been up partying for a couple of days prior. It was glorious. I'm writing this at nearly 1 in the morning, but lately I've been going to bed before 10 PM without taking anything. I stay in bed until at least 7:15 AM and then do me things, like read lifting articles and walk my dogs, until 9 AM. I don't start working early and my work stress has been reduced and I get more shit done.
|March 21, 2017 post-CrossFit. Weighed 146.8 lbs that morning.|
About two weeks ago, I decided to commit to much higher macros. After scouring the internet for everything about metabolic adaption and reverse dieting, I have come to believe that I have to give my body more food in order to meet my longterm goals of being strong and lean. So basically my TDEE is over 2,000 calories a day based on every calculator I can find. I have never consistently eaten 2,000 calories a day of healthy portioned food. I prefer to starve myself and then eat everything within reach. This makes your body not trust you. I've relied on starvation diets in various forms for way too many years. I've been really light in weight before, but I've never had the body composition I've desired. I am attempting to get my body to adapt to consuming TDEE calories so that I can make future cuts from that starting point. This could be entirely bullshit but I've decided to commit to this process and I am terrified.
|March 22, 2017 at 146.4 lbs when I woke up.|
|March 22, 2017. I did not sleep well last night.|
I mean really terrified. Every day I waffle between eating over 1900 calories and coming in under 1400 calories in an attempt to offset the day before. This doesn't help your body learn to trust you, and I keep telling myself but I don't always believe it. I reread Jason Phillips' nutrition blog to remind myself that this is good for me. Then I fret that I won't fit into the dress I'm planning on wearing to my friends' wedding next month. Sometimes I take it out and try it on just to be safe. I should probably do that again this week.
|March 22, 2017 at 145.6 lbs after I walked the dogs.|
I've also started to worry that I've gotten so fat that I am unattractive. It's gotten to the point where I accuse my boyfriend of finding me unattractive. Actual conversations in the past two months:
Me: Raaaaaaawwwrrr, you don't even find me attractive!
Him: Allie, I'm in another country and it's 3 in the morning here.
Me: Raaaaaaawwwwwwrrr, you don't even find me attractive!
Him: Allie, both of us have mega-cold and are coughing to death. You slept in the guest bedroom.
Just imagine me waving my little T-Rex arms as I'm yelling for no reason at him. I am a gem.
I'm just going to keep rereading this metabolic adaption post and telling myself I am expediting the process to fix the damage of 19 years of bad eating habits.