Weight Loss Wednesday 3.22.17

I was pretty fucking pissed after my last body fat test because I had lost even more muscle. I was so mad at myself for chasing a number on a scale and thinking it was a good idea to slash my calories to 1,200 - 1,500 for that Fat Loss Accelerator program. I knew it was a bad idea but I was so psyched to see 140 on the scale that I was hoping I'd get in the 130s and have abs and be strong and I was totally lying to myself. I was hungry all the time, prone to binge eating whenever the opportunity arose, and sucking at CrossFit. I also got really resentful towards stupidity. I know I'm blowing my macros when I sit down to a second dinner of tacos, choripapas, and a pitcher of margaritas. No one has to explain that to me. But I struggle to comprehend people who can't figure out macro tracking after a week. I don't care if Dr. Oz said olive oil is a healthy fat. If your stupid diet plan says you get 40 grams of fat a day, you can't douse everything you eat in olive oil and hit your numbers. And the complaints about not being able to eat enough to hit your numbers - well ma'am, you clearly don't look like you're starving so you've got to be eating something. Clearly I'm still not over this experience.

February 15, 2017 @ 146 lbs

February 22, 2017. In a hotel in Houston and didn't weigh myself.

Weight Loss Wednesday 2.15.17

I'm struggling with knowing that I need to eat more so that I maintain and ideally build muscle, and feeling disappointed with how I look. The scale has been all over the place lately (146 lbs today) and I feel fluffy. I looked back over my food logs and noticed that I'm not eating as much fiber as I was when I felt and looked leaner. This is why it's a good idea to record what you eat - you can refer back and identify trends or changes in behavior.

I like to bulk prepare sweet potatoes and Brussels sprouts. I chop 3 large sweet potatoes into cubes, spread them on a baking sheet, spritz them with Pam, and then season them with salt, pepper, and Flavor God garlic seasoning. They go great with eggs in the morning or any protein you might choose for lunch or dinner. I halve a bunch of Brussels sprouts, add some diced garlic, and bake them on a baking sheet. I like a little char on my sprouts. If I'm being really decadent, I'll add chopped bacon on top.

I'm going to admit that I was really disappointed when I learned that I had lost lean muscle during my last body fat test. I thought I was getting a lot stronger and I believed I must have put some muscle back on and it just feels really crappy to know that I didn't. Am I not getting stronger? Am I just chasing numbers I used to have or would have been able to hit if I hadn't started to screw up my back? Did I fuck myself up in the head again by trying to follow someone else's diet and will I always struggle between not eating and binging?

So here are this week's photos.

I'm Losing My Gains!

So I know that I regularly claim that I'm losing my gains, usually when I'm hangry or unable to do anymore pull-ups. Except it turns out that I actually am losing my gains.

On Saturday, Body Fat Test Atlanta came to CrossFit Identity with the dunk tank. This was my fourth test. The great news - I'm at 18.6% body fat. The bad news - I lost 0.55 lbs of muscle. This is on top of the pound of muscle I lost between 2014 and 2015. I know about half of you are rolling your eyes over 1.55 lbs, and the other half of you are about to send me condolence letters. Do you know how freaking hard it is to gain a pound of muscle? Really. Freaking. Hard.

My 3.5 Year CrossFit Anniversary is Saturday

So I was reading a member spotlight in another box's newsletter yesterday and the member says of her changes: "I can lift my stereotypically overpacked suitcase into the trunk of an Uber without the driver's assistance. They're always like 'let me help you with that' and I tell them 'NO I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF!'" And I felt exactly the same way. I was so dang proud of myself when I could casually toss my ridiculous suitcases above my seat on the LIRR. While I can certainly still carry my own luggage or multiple cases of seltzer in from the car, proving I can isn't that important to me. If you offer to help, go for it. That being said, I enjoyed watching two guys from PetSmart struggle with Daisy Mae's condo and was like here, let me do it. As they protested, I picked it up, loaded it into the car, and wished them a Happy Thanksgiving.

Some other things have changed in the years that I've been doing CrossFit. Six months into CrossFit and I was fitting into jeans I bought when I was 13. Three years and six months into CrossFit and I just don't fit in jeans.

Sustainable Goals

I've gained and lost 20 lbs several times. I'm really good at all or nothing, and my methods for weight loss were unsustainable. My workouts were long, high rep, low weight, and extremely cardio-focused. I am surprised I managed to function on what I was eating, now that I know more about nutrition. I am not surprised that I wrecked my metabolism. I've gotten some comments and I want to clarify - I do not think I am fat. I am working with a nutrition coach to lose body fat. For the amount that I workout, I think that I should have an athletic amount of body fat, 16-18%, opposed to the 20%+ I've got going on. This is both an aesthetic and performance goal. I want some visibly defined abs. It's also easier to pull up less body weight if you maintain your strength.

If your goal is not to have visibly defined abs, do you. If you think women should look soft and find a muscular physique to be manly, keep it to yourself. Luckily for you, you will probably never wake up and accidentally find yourself with abs. If you do, I'd like a detailed log of everything you did the day before.

Goals are not bad. Goals are not just for fat people, or slow people, or unsuccessful people. Successful people, in all aspects of life, have goals and work to attain them. A major reason that my weight yo-yo'd so much was that I didn't properly understand goals. I would work so incredibly hard to lose the weight, cut out food groups, panic at the thought of restaurants, and spend hours at the gym (no joke, I used to take 3-4 hour-long workout classes in a row), but then I'd be down 20 lbs and I wouldn't know what to do. Just because you reach a goal weight, you step off the scale and revert back to whatever terrible eating habits you had? No! By that point I was usually so exhausted, I would just crash and burn. Long-term and short-term goals are great. Having a plan to transition from one long-term goal to another will help you from feeling lost like I felt when I finally found my holy grail number staring back at me.

Fitbit emailed me this badge to congratulate me on losing 5 lbs. It's 7 lbs. Fitbit. It's 7.

Scales

My Blade Digital Pocket Scale has arrived! I feel like I have bought myself the freedom to eat things on the go because now I can measure out the serving that fits my macros. I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I either weigh and track everything and refuse to eat outside of my home, or I go hog wild and I'm ordering six sides to go with my hungry man breakfast. I'm hoping this pocket scale helps to keep me balanced.

UPDATE: My lovely coworkers brought Tasty China leftovers into the office and I was able to do some finangling with my planned macros and enjoy a delicious Chinese treat because of my pocket scale. I gave myself 2 ounces of white rice and an ounce of each dish, got to taste all the flavors, and I'm not in a food coma. Pocket scale for the win!

I was reading the Food+City Challenge Prize handbook at work (because I wrote the entry that made Piggy Bank an official finalist) and they referenced the SITU scale. How have I not heard of this scale?

Weight Loss Wednesday 3.4.15

Today I stepped on the scale and it said 145.8, which is down 2.8 lbs from last week. Being away from my parents' freezer full of chocolate is probably a good thing.

3.4.15

Finding Something to Love

When I was younger, I hated my legs. I thought they were fucking huge, and they certainly didn't look like the dainty stick straight legs of many of my popular classmates. I remember a soccer player in my 5th grade class telling me he wished he had my legs because I had huge calves like a man. Not really the compliment a 10-year-old girl is looking for.

I got a sweet staph infection when I was in the 8th grade and ended up with some pretty nasty looking scars. I was so embarrassed by them that I wore jeans for an entire summer no matter how hot it was outside. I also remember that I was nervous to "confess" to my boyfriend freshman year that I had been hiding these hideous and disfiguring scars. I still have them but they're more white than purple and I often forget they're there.

Now I think my legs are my best feature. They look fucking awesome and they are huge. I have those muscles that pop out on my thunder thighs and calf muscles too large to fit into most boots. I can back squat 200 pounds. I can do front squats for days. I run a 400m warmup faster than most people can go all out and I always use a 24 inch box for box jumps. I couldn't do any of those things with the legs I wanted when I was younger. And besides all that my legs can do, they're just plain hot.

So in honor of Valentine's Day, I challenge you to think about your body and find something to love.

I've been rocking no pants and jacked legs way before it was cool.

Shame

I needed something to read on the train out to Long Island and I found my copy of Daring Greatly by Brené Brown on my desk at work. We were supposed to read it for our team stepbacks until restructuring broke up the team and that was the end of bettering ourselves book club. The book is about vulnerability and learning to tell shame to shut the fuck up. I hate admitting it, but I actually really do like it.

Today I read the section on how men and women react differently to shame. According to Brown, a lot of the shame we experience results from us feeling like we're not living up to the stereotypical expectations for our respective genders that we have bought into and been socialized to value. I don't feel much pressure to be feminine, to be seen as effortlessly perfect, domestic, or nurturing. What I did find myself resonating with was the expectations described for men - strong, in charge, never showing weakness, not being a pussy. Hell, I told someone to stop being a pussy this morning.

Then there was a whole section on shame, sex, rejection, and back fat and it got me thinking about my recent negativity towards my own body. I might have shown my narcissistic colors this week on Facebook, but the gremlins even get to me from time to time.