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My excessive energy, extreme narcissism, and intense love of neon-colored spandex is both managed and fueled by my addiction to fitness. I push myself to extremes and I push other people's buttons. Obviously I needed my own blog.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Fighting Post-Fourth Fatness

So it's the Monday after Fourth of July Weekend and chances are you're feeling a little more like Kim Kardashian than Kate Upton.

Just say no to refined carbs!
An excess of beer, cheeseburgers, and those delightful red, white, and blue cupcakes can wreck havoc on your bikini body even if you intentionally starved yourself maintained a healthy low-calorie diet for the past two weeks in preparation. What should you do to avoid looking like a heifer for the rest of the summer? I'm glad you asked.

1. Put down the hot dog! Stop eating crap immediately. For the next five days you should eat primarily meats and vegetables. Limit the amount of fruit you eat. Don't even think about ordering Chinese. Dairy is not your friend.

2. Put on the tightest workout clothes you own and go for a run. Feeling your thighs rub against each other and seeing your muffin top pop out of your tiny tank top is motivation to commit to clean eating and exercise. Do not wear anything that resembles a muumuu until August. Avoid leggings and other forgiving pants.

This just screams sad and bloated.
I didn't leave for my run until after sunset to beat the heat, hence the headlamp.

3. Shower and moisturize. If you spent as much time at the beach as I did, you will be finding sand in your bathing suit until September and your skin is browner than a coconut. Don't add insult to injury by being fat and scaly.

4. Drink Alka-Seltzer. Drinkable aspirin in seltzer form that helps with indigestion. This is God's gift to binge drinking food lovers everywhere.

DIY Tip: Use clear plastic shoe organizers for your toiletries

You should be back on track by this weekend, provided you don't plan to repeat last weekend's behavior.

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